Hey Lovelies,

Over six months have passed now since I was discharged from hospital and a lot has changed. Every day is still a struggle. I am starting to love life again though. With each bit of pain and heartache comes strength and determination. Two elements that have helped me a lot.

Since I was discharged I have been working with my outpatients team again. This time last year I was fighting with them a lot. I thought I was ready for recovery but I wasn’t. Now I have listened to them. I do what they ask. I work with them as much as I can.

My weight hasn’t changed that much in the last few months. A fact I do find scary and confusing. I still hate the scales. Yet, some bigger changes then the numbers on them have happened. Changes that are making me more motivated and myself again.

No longer do I get up each day and fear what it will bring. Even when the weeks are filled with therapy sessions, doctors and dietician appointments I can prepare myself better. I think about what I may need to increase. Come up with meal ideas and ways to introduce certain or new foods again with my mum. Try and try again.

Right now I am thinking about myself more as a person. I am looking at the positives and the way my outlook is changing. Taking last week off blogging to focus on me and my mental health, I got a lot done. I also saw what I want to do.

Recently I’ve applied to volunteer on my local radio. I’ve spoken to the presenters and even been on it. I organised an event in my village and got featured online and in the local paper for it. I went away and came back with more blog ideas and even rung people up to arrange future ones. I applied to take part in the London Film Festival Press again and got in. All things that I would never have done this time last year.

Recovery for me is about health but mostly happiness. Something I am seeing and feeling more and more every day. When I get up I write in a journal. I look at what goals I have for that day. I also reflect on the good and bad aspects of the day before, allowing myself to take forward what I want to remember and writing down what I want to leave in the past. Then I think of some motivation to help carry me through the new day and beyond..

I won’t lie and say that every day is easy. Just last week I had a panic attack in Asda and had to hide in an aisle with my mum to calm down. I find that as one food gets easier another becomes scary. I worry about walking too much. I worry what people think. I get overwhelmed and my anxiety disorder doesn’t know what to do at times. But I keep going. An element this time last year I truly didn’t have in me.

Whilst no one knows what the future holds for me or any of us in fact, I want you all to know that we can do this. Whatever we are facing, we can do it. I have faced up to the fact that I will always live with my condition. A sad but hard fact. Yet, I won’t stop working to get as much as me back as I can. I will eat a mince pie at Christmas. Even if I spend time now planning for it. We can do this lovelies. As I’ve always said, slow and steady wins the race! Whatever that race is, we can do it lovelies.

As a classic Disney tale once said, “A dream is a wish your heart makes!” And mine is dreaming of my mum, family and that Disney trip I missed out on last year. Covid and Anorexia be damned.

My journey is going to take a long time and I will keep you all up to date with how I am doing. For now though, each smile is genuine and that is all I can ask for. Oh and the ability to haggle, which I have since found I have the confidence and am good at aha!

If you ever wish to speak to anyone, please never be afraid to reach out to me in any way. I am always here to help. I may be a bit of a clown, but I am always around and will do whatever I can no matter the problem. You have helped me all so much and I will do the same for you lovelies.

Love,

Joey X