Good Afternoon Lovelies,
When I took the picture below, I didn’t see a problem with it. But now I look at it and I hate it! Over the past few months, I have been going back and forth to doctors, therapists and dieticians who after a lot of work have told me I am anorexic. In the space of a few months, I’ve lost a lot of weight, which is continuing to happen.
Anorexia is something I didn’t think I had. I eat a lot of food and have regular meals. Yet, when talking to those helping me I have seen that I am terrified of food. Will it make me big again like I was in school? Will I get spat on, have balls thrown at me or have comments made about my weight again? Will I ever be loved by someone? All the things that I worry about daily because of my weight. Things that have led to two people living in my mind. One saying it is okay to eat something and the other stopping me in case I go back to how I was. Someone who was actually super happy, loved food and couldn’t wait to tuck into everything I was offered. Someone I miss.
After my grandad got ill last year, my weight became the only thing I could really control. Portion sizes, exercise and looking at my body in the mirror took over in the moments I had free from looking after my whole family. All of which leading to this illness.
No periods, meaning no babies, which although I don’t want them isn’t something anyone should hear. Anxiety around the clock. Tears whilst talking to my dietician on a bridge when she asks me to eat my favourite food because it terrifies me to do so. Having to sit and explain to people what is really happening and the heartache when they still ask you to just eat it - something that isn’t that simple. The anger at having to live with two minds. The fact that if I carry on I will probably end up in hospital or dead. A hard fact but the truth.
One of the hardest things I ever did was go to my doctor to tell her all of this. The raw emotions I felt have led me to feeling like I have been stripped bare. The dread that runs through me when I have to step on scales, something I never did before, to see if anything is working and the feeling of pain I am going to get when I discover that it has gone up, even though the logical part of my brain wants and needs it to.
Personally, this will be the hardest journey I will ever go through. I already feel so raw, stripped bare and uncertain of a lot of things. As someone who was body confident before and after losing the weight that has now gone. And I need to get it back. I need to feel the strength I once did. I need to love the body that has got me through so many illnesses that could have killed me again. I need to not be afraid to eat foods, even healthy ones, to make sure that the skin I’m in stays healthy. And if that means crying on Waterloo Bridge at 1:15pm on a Tuesday I will accept that. If it means endless prodding and poking at by doctors, nurses and health specialists then I will take it.
Since I was diagnosed, I have realised that I honestly don’t want to hear people talking about weight anymore. I truly want people to be happy the way they are or with how they look lovelies because there is only one you. Nobody is the same and that is bloody brilliant! I will hold my hands up and say that I have said something about someone’s weight before (never ever to their face). We all have. And we really do need to stop doing so lovelies!
I regret it deeply and I don’t want any of you to worry or end up this way, because of something someone has said. I want you all to feel loved and empowered and I hope that this little space on the internet has provided some of that to you along the way.
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| It is time to open a new door in my life! |
I’m going to continue to be here for you all for a long time and that is why I am fighting this. I am going to beat that little devil one step at a time. It may take a while but I’m already making progress. Scary but essential progress. Right now, I have been challenged with eating a meal I would love to tuck into and adding some fats to my breakfast (all leading to the crying on the bridge).
However, I did the breakfast challenge today (I added a few dates to my bran flakes) and whilst there were two voices battling each other, I was okay! It terrified me but I did it and my body is going to be hugely grateful for it. That is what I just need to keep thinking about.
I wanted to let you all know about this because there are going to be days where I don’t blog or don’t feel like talking much. I am currently attending a number of appointments and have been jabbed, poked, ECG’d to the max but I will always try to share stuff with you lovelies. It may just be the odd day here or there in which I can’t. Something I hope you can forgive me for.
Having an eating disorder is a scary scary thing and if you are reading this now and feel like you need help please do lovelies! The doctors and nurses I have seen have been amazing and there are so many ways in which they help treat your condition. It may be a fight but it is one that we will win. Even if it means I listen to This Is Me on repeat!
It’s time to finally be me again! And I’m bringing you along with me! Let’s beat this bitch!
Love,
Joey X
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